Mattering
Research and pop psychology have long informed us the potential negative impacts of a pressure to succeed on mental health, especially the mental health of children and adolescents. We know that this is a growing problem in our society and impacts a large percentage of youth (e.g., perfectionism rates in children and adolescents were clocked at 25-30% in a 2016 article, and is likely much higher now!). This high pressure to achieve can negatively impact self-esteem, sleep, physical health, substance abuse, suicidal ideation, anxiety, and depression, as well as social and family relationships. We see these trends in higher education as well- over the last two decades, while college applications have significantly increased, college admissions rates have (obviously) dropped. Parenting styles have changed over the years, as well as a surge in after school activities.
So what can we do?
Jennifer Wallace (author of Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic- and What We Can Do About it) introduces the concept of **Mattering.** She defines mattering as the feeling of being valued to loved ones and communities, regardless of external evaluations of ‘success.’ Mattering can decrease rates of depression and anxiety, rates of behaviors difficulties, and actually increased achievement and motivation.
How do we boost mattering in our kiddos?
- Spend lots and lots of positive time with them
- The focus should be on the relationship
- Avoid distractions (phones away!)
- Use your active listening skills
- Dr. Gordon Flett (York University in Toronto) says, “Young people need to know that they can make a mistake or have a bad performance and they will still be cared about and accepted and perhaps even prized.”
- Acknowledge the stress that children/adolescents are going through
- Normalize setbacks (even talk about your own current and historical setbacks)
- Maintain a consistent message of- approval, recognition, and love
- Encourage children/adolescents to volunteer, mentor, tutor- this helps them build up their own self-esteem and resiliency by focusing on the needs and well-being of others