The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling

How to have healthy communication in your relationships

John Gottman is a famous researcher and writer for all things marriage and relationships. He developed a list of four unhealthy communication strategies that gets in the way of having healthy conflict with your partner- coined The Four Horsemen.

1. Criticism: Different than voicing a complaint, criticism is a direct attack at the core of your partner’s character. Criticism often escalates a confrontation or conflict, instead of easing the tension. It often is the starting point for the other Horsemen to enter the fray.

Instead of: “You don’t think about anyone else!”
Try: “I was upset when I didn’t hear from you.”

2. Contempt: Treating each other with disrespect, sarcasm, calling names, or mimicking them (this includes eye-rolling!). Contempt assumes that you are better than your partner and is often the result of longer-term negative thoughts or beliefs about your partner. 

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

3. Defensiveness: This usually comes up in response to criticism because we feel unfairly  treated or accused. You may even try to cast blame on your partner or insinuate that it is  your partner’s fault. This is the opposite of taking responsibility and accountability for  our actions.

Try: “That’s my fault, I’m sorry. I’ll do it now.”

4. Stonewalling: This usually comes up in response to contempt and occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction (e.g., shuts down). Instead of talking through things, one partner ‘checks out’- maybe because they are feeling overwhelmed or flooded by the emotions and words in the conflict.

So what do you do after you have identified these communication patterns in your relationship?  Gottman has the antidotes!